Monthly Archives: May 2014

When sex in the bedroom becomes a little TOO adventurous.

I’m currently stuck on the floor my ankle is hurting a lot!

*Ok does it look out of shape at all?*

Yeah it’s at a funny ankle and swollen, I’m having trouble putting any weight on it.

*Ok before we go further how did you do it so I can rule anything else out*

Oh umm…. well.. I was trying to give my husband a bit of a back massage?…I was trying to stand on his back to put it back in place and I fell off the bed? He keeps laughing and not wanting to help me.

*ok I’m sending an ambulance around to pick you up, is your husband still with you/*

Yes, he’s here.

*Ok well if you can just get him to get some clothes together the ambulance crew are going to take you into the hospital to check your foot out.

Try not to move from where you are ok?

I’m so embarrassed!



Not the worst I’ve had, some people seem to frequently rip their foreskin during sex tearing the ‘banjo string’, painful and a bit bloody but not dangerous…. can be VERY scary for men.

YES we also get the objects in the rectum ones. Not as often as you’d think. Just remember to lube up people and not put anything in that can’t easily come back out again.

People losing condoms inside themselves is quite common too. One of those things whereby not EVERYONE can fish them out. Usually they come out by themselves during the night but people do have issues.


I’m feeling light headed again! I’m going to try and stand up and go for a smoke…..*thud*

Sometimes we deal with patients who have dizzy spells or pass out. Sometimes it’s epilepsy sometimes just blood pressure, other times it’s because a woman has come out of hospital drunk after hitting her head collapsing at a party and then after 24 hours has worsening headaches and symptoms of concussion. Oh you better believe she’s on alcohol whilst i’m talking to her too. Just to ease the pain of course.

*ok sandra based on the information we’ve gone through with you today, i’m going to send an ambulance around to check you out ok?*

OK!!!. I’m feeling light headed again

*ok DON’T try and stand up just stay seated on the floor again until help arrives then you can try letting them in. *


*Sandra? SANDRA? SANDRAAAAAAAA (wait that’s metal gear solid)……ahem.. Sandra can you hear me? Just tap the phone or make a noise if you can’t move ok? I don’t want you to try and move as standing up is making you pass out*

(3 minutes later)

Oh I seem to have passed out again… Is it ok if I have a cigarette?

*i’d rather you wait until they got their sandra you just passed out stay SEATED until the crew arrive! I’ll stay on the line with you*

….ok i’m going to try and stand up again…. *THUD*….


(3 minutes later)

*ok sandra I can’t stop you from smoking but if you’re going to do that I want you to stay at least seated*

…ok…. I think they’re here I need to open the door…. they can’t get in I don’t want my front door kicked in!



She did eventually open the door but after 30 minutes of me just sitting there listen to her play seasaw with the floor it became apparent I was going to need to learn some patience and discover the technique of the mute button whilst on call so I could get my other work done whilst keeping an eye on someone.


I should take this opportunity to point out on calls i’ve had with kids passing out or going limp, by the time i’ve even GOTTEN to the last bits of info the crew are already there. In an 8 minute call out I timed one call as being 3 minutes from me clicking the GO button to arrival. So far I’ve never had to give CPR instructions down the phone for that.

When animals…ATTACK!

Hi i think i’ve been bitten by something at a friends house.

*ahh ok what was it, an insect? Animal?*

This is going to sound REALLY weird but i’ve been attacked by a male cock…. a chicken.

*A Coc…. Oh a rooster!*

Yeah one of those, he seems to have really not liked the look of me and had a go at me.

*Oh so has he just pecked you or done anyworse?*

well, yeah he’s taken a REALLY big chuck out of my leg with his claws and it’s still bleeding I’m wondering if I should goto the hospital.

*well yes if you’ve lost a sizeable chunk of skin they’re definitely going to need to clean it out for you and give you a a tetanus shot, Try to keep it covered until you get there it seems your nearest hospital is just 2 minutes walk from you…. yes CROYDON hospital! Head there now please1 (trys to restrain his tears)*

Ok thanks bye!


Downtown rooster terrorises citizen….WHO THE FUCK OWNS A ROOSTER IN CROYDON!?

When you need help fast. Use our phone service to request us to get in touch with someone who has no phone!

I’ve just got back from my dad’s and i’m worried about him, he has a history of stroke and he’s all over the place. I need some advice on what to do?

*Ok I need a phone number so I can call him up and check on him as we need someone to be with the patient*

Oh my dad he doesn’t have a tv or even a phone he doesn’t know how to use it.. he doesn’t believe in them…’

*I need you to get him to call us can you ring a neighbour so I can check on his current status?*

Oh I just need a doctor to go visit him, I was just with him 2 hours ago I’d have to drive all the way back!

*well if he’s having issues with his stroke he needs to be in hospital*

Oh he won;t go to the hospital I need someone medical to convince him of that

‘maam we’re a MEDICAL…PHONE service… how am I meant to call him?’

oh just send a doctor around please I just came 2 hours drive from his house

*how am I meant to know he’s even still there! you need to either be with him and call us or send a neighbour aorund to check on him I can’t send anyone out to him if I don’t know where he is going to be or confirm his current condition, you should call 999 if you think he’s having or had a stroke”

You people are terrible what an awful service!?!? If he’s died of a stroke, it will be all your fault!!!






I get about 1 accidental overdose a day here’s some of the examples.

I’ve dropped my pills on the floor and my baby thought they were smarties.

I haven’t cooked this chicken properly and my husband just took a bite. Do I need to goto A&E

Ok so I got my meds mixed up on the kitchen today…. umm I think i’ve just given myself my dog de-worming tablets

I’m in pain my teeth have been killing me. I’ve been taking paracetamol all week with ibuprofen i’m worried i’ve taken too much (8 a day is the recommend limit, 12 for your average adult in 24 hours is considered an overdose, equally too much ibuprofen can liquify your digestive tract around 28+ in 24 hours) I’ve taken about 2 packs of paracetamol in the last 36 hours and a tonne of ibuprofen, oh and some cocodamol too (codocadmol is codeine and paracetamol) 

*sir I think you need to goto A&E right away!*

I’ve stabbed my fridge with a knife and it’s stopped working.. am I going to get poisoned by the xenon gas?



I’m in pain!

*what seems to be causing it*

Oh I don;t know it’s my legs is it not on your system?!

*afraid not, now Sarah In order to help you I need to just rule a few things out and then I can get your the help you need ok?…*


*…ok… (does this lady want my help or not?)…. ok MRS ***** I need to ask some questions.*


*OK but what’s wrong?*


*(Cellulitus probably)*

Now what usually happens here is a 5-10 minute assesment, boring sometimes, tedious others, necessary because a lot of the big issues have minor symptoms too. it’s not big it’s not clever but it does however make sure you don’t miss something, and often it makes sure you aren’t sending someone to A&E for a minor condition that can wait a week. This lady needs pain relief but ooooh nooo she isn’t answering no damn questions. we’ve have classic respoinses from her such as:

“you’re fat aren’t you….you sound fat”

“you don’t refer to me as SARAH you are here to help me!”

“put me through to a doctor….NOW!” (yeah he’s gonna love you!)

She seems to respond better if you actually put her in HER place and then we get along but by god if there’s one woman I will NEVER deal with it’s her! And i’ve dealt with abusive people believe me.

She’s not the worst but she does go in the hall of fame as the most obnoxious person you will ever meet.


This particular caller turned out to continue calling us some 10 times after me.

Can you fix my phone line I can only dial you and 999.. My phone won’t dial out!!!

*do you need a doctor?*


*madam we’re a medical service not a phone service we don’t have the ability to fix your phone i’m not the operator*

…why won’t you help me! I’m ringing 999….

*sigh.. better put in the notes the actual number so they can tell her what number she needs to ring…. a neighbour can probably help*

Turns out she most likely hadn’t paid the bill. The companies don’t block emergency lines unless your line is physically cut off.