Heroin Junkies

Did you know that heorin junkies inject into their veins not their arteries?


I didn’t. But it turns out if they DO by mistake inject themselves like that what happens is quite extraordinary. First off the heroin kills most of the pain they are experiencing for a collapsed artery. The artery itself will rupture from the needle entering it and if you inject badly what happens is it will start to pump blood inside your own arm and it fills up like a giant water balloon.


What was once your skinny shrimpy man arm is now a steroid looking black swollen mess of bruising and internal heamoraging.

The artery collapses to save the body from bleeding out as best it can but the guy who was describing this to me was quite calm with the fact he had about 10 minutes to live if he didn’t receive aid. AMBULANCE ON ITS WAY BUDDY




If you overdose on paracetamol your liver shuts down. Paracetamol basically has to be processed as a toxin in yoru liver and if you take TOO MUCH it crystallises the process leaving you with one dead person who apparently dies the worst way imaginable.

If you don’t take the antidote within 48 ours MAX of overdose you’ll feel fine but it will be already too late as your liver slowly dies. 2 packets or rather anything in the region of 18+ tablets for a full sized man will be a lethal dosage. You can die by mistake from taking too many for dental issues. Mostly deliberate though and often stupid teenage kids who broke up with their boyfriend of all things.

Ibuprofen will do something similar and liquidise your insides given enough but you need a LOT in order to OD on those.

Some people OD on carbon monoxide, again the chemistry involved means you have less o2 in your blood permanently until your body can filter that compromised blood out of your system which takes up to 24 hours. So a perfectly well man who has just gassed himself needs oxygen for the next 48 hours to make sure he doesn’t suddenly collapse of an embolism that hits his brain from a dead clump of useless de-oxygenated blood.


Don’t have nightmares chances are you’ll die in your beds at 80 or on the m25 when you fall asleep or some uninsured drive rhits you 🙂 Just make sure you’ve lived your life as best you can do… and take note from the people who chose out of desperation to take a way out that ultimately may well take away any second chance at life they want when they change their mind.


When the poor guy has to crawl back to his car just to ring us

*I wasn’t sure if I needed to ring you or 999 but my back has gone out and i’m stuck*

Where are you sir if I need to send out somebody I can do it from here without issue.

*Ok well I was coming back from football practice and I can’t move i’m in my car but I’m stuck. I think i’ve thrown my back out.*

Ok well stay where you are for the moment. Is anyone around at all?

*not that I can see.*

What’s the nearest landmark

*the nearby football ground I can just see the floodlights. Do you want me to try driving to the hospital?*


NOOOO! Just stay put i’ll send a unit out, can you see the road name?

*yeah I think so.. It’s *** street*

Ok tell me what car you’re driving so I can relay it to them and they know what to look for. Just sit tight until they get there.


Back injuries are one of the most common causes of severe distress we get that WON’T warrant an ambulance. Unless you physically cannot move from somewhere and are endangering yoruself or you are not over 65. Chances are about 90% what you’ll get is a GP to come visit you. Reason being is that often the only real treatment if it’s not trauma is to give you dizapam to relax your back.

Most people think we’ll cart them off to hospital but that rarely does any good for a slipped disc or sciatica. (i’ve  had it myself) Just look after your back and stay active


Caller #2

*Hello? can you put me through to the police? my phones not working and i’m stuck outside i’ve fallen over*

Do you want me to call an ambulance for you?

*nononono I just wanna put through to my local police station so I can get a cell for the night they know me*

Where are youi I need a location sir.

*oh yeah umm i’m a bit drunk see so I can’t stand up*

Some guy in the background starts talking

“HELLO FRED. Fallen over again have we!?”

*yeah something like that, hah! What street we on? Gerorge street? ok no worries catch you later*

(nothing like the village nut to be seen as living a normal life on the curb)

Ok….umm..well I’ll put you through to 101 if you haven’t got any credit and you can talk to them but if you change yoru mind on the ambulance you can still call us back ok?






The A word.. The worst thing you can say to somebody when they know something is seriously wrong.

Oh I know 50% of the time it’s a minor emergency , someone has broken their arm or had problems with breathing or an allergic reaction. They know this they know what’s coming. But when you get some poor wife ringing in complaining about her husband clutching his chest, belching a lot and generally sweating profusely he’s having a heart attack.


‘Ok so based off the information you’ve given me tonight Kathy I need to send an Ambulance around to help out David’


*oh god what’s wrong with him, is he going to die!?* (starts crying down the phone and losing it)


No Kathy…I just need to send someone around to make sure he’s ok. We’re not going to send him to hospital if it’s somethign minor we just need to make sure it’s not something more serious…. (it is… he’s about 10 seconds away from collapsing if he doesn’t sit down and get a GTN spray or something in him.)

Does he have a GTN spray there?

*yes…. he sometimes …gets angina.*


Ok I need you to give him some of that like usual to help with the pain. But do NOT get him to stand up ok?!

(still blubbing and losing the plot)

He’s going to be ok (lying through my teeth), but you just need to make him comfortable until they get there.


Now at this point sometimes people do two things. Either they get their shit together like a sensible human being… or they get STUPIDLY aggressive with you questioning everything. I’ve had one person scream at me ‘why the fuck would need to call back on 999 if it gets even worse?’ And other choice words. Sometimes they’re in pain sometimes they’re dying. If they’re dying I won’t hang up, noone will usually, even then 999 are there to give advice about CPR if we’ve missed the obvious or somethign changes drastically. To get to the point. It’s general waffle but them screaming down the phone at you won’t make them listen any differently. I could takl CPR and they wouldn’t be caring one bit unless I told them to shut up. So usually I ask to speak to someone else and tell THEM what to do whilst Mr mental-meltdown fetches the meds. Other times the stupid lies in everyone on the OTHER end ignoring my advice and just doing headless chicken mode.

You can help them all they want but being assertive won’t affect people who’ve lost the plot. The phones already not point of their focus.


ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, call it a paramedic unit. At least then it forces them to THINK. Rather than INSTINCTIVELY panic. 40% of 999 calls are ACTUALLY hospital worthy as the latest figures go in south east. The paramedics can call a doctor direct or leave you to suffer if you refusing treatment. They’re not people who will waste time on you if you don’t want help. They won’t abandon you but if you say you’re fine and want a doctor. They will come back only if you ask them to. sometimes 3-4 times before admitting they can’t stay.


*OWW My foot is broken…. *

Yes you broke it last week and haven;t been to hospital.

*i’m not going to hospital I have to look after my kids!’

Your FOOT is the size of a beach-ball and you can’t walk on it. A doctor will say the SAME exact thing and need it x-raying and put in a cast. You need an ambulance to take you there ASAP


LADY! you can’t look after your kids if your leg has to be amputated. one night in a ward is less than a week in surgery 3 weeks from now. worry about that when you’re at the hospital! It’s not going to get better. It’s been broken for a WEEK now.

* I won’t be able to afford to get home afterwards I don’t have any money! Noone can look after my kids! I flat out won’t go!*

Right…..one doctor coming up…. (wasting everyone’s times INCLUDING hers. Because she has a SEVERE fracture in her foot which without proper treatment will definitely start to get infected or reset itself at a dangerous angle).


Some people never learn, or listen to reason. Impasse or no Impasse humans are scared of the truth sometimes. Do you think they have a social services to check in on kids who are left alone? I hope so. It would be a good Idea I would think if people are living by themselves. I have no idea if they do however. There’s lots of gaps in my knowledge over this… like anyone. The NHS is downright HUGE. I didn’t find out until working for them that you can even get home visits via the gp service if you’re disabled/elderly/with infant/pregnant. It’s still a case of survival of the fittest unfortunately for some. 

That’s the unreasonable. The WORST is the truly upset and emotional.

Some poor infant is coughing up bright red blood.. A LOT of it, and I don’t know WHAT’s happened but she’s DEFINITELY coughing up a large amount of blood. The poor woman is absolutely besotted with grief. The baby is limp but still breathing. I have no idea how it happened other than she had some problems at birth in the hospital. No amount of sugar coating is going to help calm her down but I seem to SOMEHOW manage to get her focused on what she needs to do.  The baby is still breathing but you better believe for any infant the ambulance is there before the call is even over. 3 minutes is my personal record. 3 minutes from the time the ambulance centre receives it to when the crew get it relayed via GSM interlink and then are at the door ringing the bell. I trust the system more now than ever when I can prove to myself it works that well…when it works. When it works. It’s sweeeet.

♫All is calm….all is bright…. breathe…..1….2….3….4….5…..♫

Ok time for a coffee me thinks and we’re off admin again. Can I cook or can I cook?




Oh some random person is complaining about dental services at 11pm at night not running over the weekend… why yes.. she appears to have had a dropped line…..(fucking bastards, why do I get them? It’s dental… DENTAL… wisdom tooth pain or not, that’s not going to be life threatening…EVER)

This one isn’t funny at all but highlights some of the reality you’ll experience.

We often get suicidal and mentally distressed people. Sometimes they’re people who’ve stopped their medication, other times it their partner calling because they’re the ones being put at risk from spouse abuse or issues with not being able to cope.


Alzheimers/dementia is the main cause and often the patient is barely aware of themselves being abusive. They will often forget they had tried to kill themselves or that they’ve lashed out at people. Once I got a call from an elderly wife whose husband had attempted suicide by hanging, had survived and then from the shock to his system couldn’t figure out why he was so distressed and upset… on being told he’d just tried to kill himself  he instantly relapsed and again became suicidal. 

Other’s have had grown men call me up worried because their wives are hitting them. Dear god you wouldn’t believe how true to life those case studies can be with these things. It’s like they’ve taken a few examples from life and now it’s replaying carbon copy in front of me. Bipolar and all sorts. Too many examples to list but across the board from kids to elderly have been safeguarded due to family members under distress.


The single worst experience which I try not to remember at all or dwell on but I will put here so that it is somewhere people can read without having to ask me ever again, is Steve. Now Steve was a schizophrenic who was VERY depressed but as reality happens sometimes he hadn’t got his meds in time. He had a history with the service, we knew about his call as soon as the number popped up so even before he’d said anything I was looking at a break down of his case history and realised what was going on… (ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS the reason I have found for people relapsing is coming off their meds. You think a person coming off a recreational drug is suffering try something that’s stopping you see people that aren’t there.) Steve wasn’t giving me his location the most I could get out of him was the hospital name the fact he was currently in the middle of killing himself.

He wanted me to know what was happening so someone would be able to take care of his cat of all things. After 10 minutes of me trying pathetically to convince him not to do anything (he was already past his point of reasoning) all I heard was a loud THUNK and the phone smashing into the ground before it going 100% dead)

*no-ones going to find me i’ve made sure of it……CLANK….CRASH….*CLICK*…..’



what hospital was he at? (already up on Google), 999? fuck off pathways he’s at a hospital you can’t dispatch an ambulance where it’s already at!

what’s the switchboard number! (shit!…bing is a piece of shit!……goto google…. fuck why is the server lagging?!…. )

fuck the time limits here what’s the number… ok …. 9…01737…. ok done.

Next I have to get the operator to connect me with security which is taking an age because this poor chump is only there to take calls from concerned patients not me. 5 minutes later I get through to the on call security.


*yeah I know Steve, he was in A&E earlier and waving a knife around so I took it off him and said he can wait for the doctor*

sound a bit bizarre? Well yes but not unusual.. If people are waving a knife around but you can calm them down you’re not going to refuse treatment if they’re now no longer a threat to the staff. As always they are more a threat to themselves due to desperation.

Reality here being it’s 2am and A&E is not packed but there is bugger all doctors on site to deal with every person coming in on a Monday night. So where were we? Yes it’s now left to the security guard to find him. Guard knew he was around A&E only a few minutes before and everywhere was locked up. He had to be SOMEWHERE nearby. It’s still a busy hospital even at night

Not something I want to ever listen to again. Knowing he was probably dead. Came in next shift 3pm and Steve had called in at 6am for his meds. He was alive?! Lucky bastard!, though no idea his physical state. One might laugh at the comical nature of the setup, being it so predictable, but you’d be somewhat correct if you were to assume it as some kind of twisted black comedy. Fuck overtime shifts on a late night.

When sex in the bedroom becomes a little TOO adventurous.

I’m currently stuck on the floor my ankle is hurting a lot!

*Ok does it look out of shape at all?*

Yeah it’s at a funny ankle and swollen, I’m having trouble putting any weight on it.

*Ok before we go further how did you do it so I can rule anything else out*

Oh umm…. well.. I was trying to give my husband a bit of a back massage?…I was trying to stand on his back to put it back in place and I fell off the bed? He keeps laughing and not wanting to help me.

*ok I’m sending an ambulance around to pick you up, is your husband still with you/*

Yes, he’s here.

*Ok well if you can just get him to get some clothes together the ambulance crew are going to take you into the hospital to check your foot out.

Try not to move from where you are ok?

I’m so embarrassed!



Not the worst I’ve had, some people seem to frequently rip their foreskin during sex tearing the ‘banjo string’, painful and a bit bloody but not dangerous…. can be VERY scary for men.

YES we also get the objects in the rectum ones. Not as often as you’d think. Just remember to lube up people and not put anything in that can’t easily come back out again.

People losing condoms inside themselves is quite common too. One of those things whereby not EVERYONE can fish them out. Usually they come out by themselves during the night but people do have issues.

I’m feeling light headed again! I’m going to try and stand up and go for a smoke…..*thud*

Sometimes we deal with patients who have dizzy spells or pass out. Sometimes it’s epilepsy sometimes just blood pressure, other times it’s because a woman has come out of hospital drunk after hitting her head collapsing at a party and then after 24 hours has worsening headaches and symptoms of concussion. Oh you better believe she’s on alcohol whilst i’m talking to her too. Just to ease the pain of course.

*ok sandra based on the information we’ve gone through with you today, i’m going to send an ambulance around to check you out ok?*

OK!!!. I’m feeling light headed again

*ok DON’T try and stand up just stay seated on the floor again until help arrives then you can try letting them in. *


*Sandra? SANDRA? SANDRAAAAAAAA (wait that’s metal gear solid)……ahem.. Sandra can you hear me? Just tap the phone or make a noise if you can’t move ok? I don’t want you to try and move as standing up is making you pass out*

(3 minutes later)

Oh I seem to have passed out again… Is it ok if I have a cigarette?

*i’d rather you wait until they got their sandra you just passed out stay SEATED until the crew arrive! I’ll stay on the line with you*

….ok i’m going to try and stand up again…. *THUD*….


(3 minutes later)

*ok sandra I can’t stop you from smoking but if you’re going to do that I want you to stay at least seated*

…ok…. I think they’re here I need to open the door…. they can’t get in I don’t want my front door kicked in!



She did eventually open the door but after 30 minutes of me just sitting there listen to her play seasaw with the floor it became apparent I was going to need to learn some patience and discover the technique of the mute button whilst on call so I could get my other work done whilst keeping an eye on someone.


I should take this opportunity to point out on calls i’ve had with kids passing out or going limp, by the time i’ve even GOTTEN to the last bits of info the crew are already there. In an 8 minute call out I timed one call as being 3 minutes from me clicking the GO button to arrival. So far I’ve never had to give CPR instructions down the phone for that.

When animals…ATTACK!

Hi i think i’ve been bitten by something at a friends house.

*ahh ok what was it, an insect? Animal?*

This is going to sound REALLY weird but i’ve been attacked by a male cock…. a chicken.

*A Coc…. Oh a rooster!*

Yeah one of those, he seems to have really not liked the look of me and had a go at me.

*Oh so has he just pecked you or done anyworse?*

well, yeah he’s taken a REALLY big chuck out of my leg with his claws and it’s still bleeding I’m wondering if I should goto the hospital.

*well yes if you’ve lost a sizeable chunk of skin they’re definitely going to need to clean it out for you and give you a a tetanus shot, Try to keep it covered until you get there it seems your nearest hospital is just 2 minutes walk from you…. yes CROYDON hospital! Head there now please1 (trys to restrain his tears)*

Ok thanks bye!


Downtown rooster terrorises citizen….WHO THE FUCK OWNS A ROOSTER IN CROYDON!?